Many people going through divorce are sad, angry, fearful, anxious – - all of which are very normal reactions.
These feelings are often triggered by thoughts of revenge because one party expects more money to make up for the pain of betrayal or unfair treatment that has been inflicted on him/her. Money is one of the tools a party feels they can use to “get back” at the other party, but in reality money will not take away those deep painful hurts. It’s only a band aid solution but not a cure to the deep pain.
Antagonizing the other party with criticism, attacks and demands often does not lead anywhere except to more anger. This may result in a negative reaction from the party being attacked who may then be tempted to feel even less cooperative and generous.
But there is another way.
I have observed many times in divorce mediation, as well as in many other areas of life, that if we handle things differently, we are often surprised by the other person’s response. Giving of oneself, trying to understand the other party’s feelings, and being a little more generous than we are “supposed to be” (or even would like to be), may have a calming effect. A sincere and heartfelt apology may help the other person to understand that you are aware of how much they hurt and that you are truly sorry. In response to this gesture, the other person may in turn become more open to a dialogue and not feel as strongly about continuing the fight for revenge.
If you have hurt someone and that person cannot get over the pain, a few words, some understanding and an unexpected gesture may go a long way toward healing, and opening the door to a meaningful discussion on how to divide the marital property.
The more you give, the more you will get . . .
jennifer safian divorce and family mediator
phone: (212) 472-8626
email: [email protected] website: www.safianmediation.com
Divorce and Family Mediation Upper East Side of Manhattan (NYC) New York, NY