By Krista Gottlieb

While waiting for a recent flight to depart from Buffalo our plane was about 1 hour late coming in. (It’s always delayed elsewhere!) It seems they always are. Especially when we have a very tight connection. (Aren't all Buffalo flights subject to connections?) As time passed, it became less and less likely that we would make our connection. Virtually everyone else was in the same "boat". Since we were passing through a major "hub" there were an amazing number of different flights leaving at 2:05 p.m. from the connecting city. The gate clerk here in Buffalo tried his best to give everyone alternate flight information so as to allow them to plan for their anticipated "missed flights". For us that would mean a 3½ hour delay in getting to our destination. Airports are just not that interesting. Grumblings were heard everywhere. As our plane pulled from the gate the "connection tension" was palpable with everyone talking about what if....

Then something interesting happened. After takeoff, our Pilot came on the PA system and told us that he was sorry for the delay, (even though it was not his fault - he was waiting for the plane same as us), and that he knew many of us had connecting flights and that they were aware of our connections and our need/desire to meet them. That is pretty much all he said.

As a result of that announcement, as we settled into the short first leg of our flight,the tension seemed to dissipate. Frowns and clenched teeth dissolved and relaxed. The passengers nodded, smiled and sighed when the Pilot made his announcement. All was well for the rest of the that flight, until we all jumped up to rush out of the plane to try and make those "connections".

Why did the Pilot's announcement have the calming effect that it did? Analyzing what he said was of very little help. All he said was that (i) he/they were aware of our connections and our desire to meet them, and (ii) that he was sorry for the delay (which he did not cause). Although he did not say so specifically, it was clear that what he was sorry for was the possible missed connections and the stress and inconvenience that was causing us. What exactly did that do for the passengers? It did not get them to their destination on time! But it did make them relax and feel better, less stressed, even though the actual stress, the possible delay, was unchanged. The short announcement made the flight better for everyone, including the flight attendants.

The announcement did not alter our situation at all. We were still late and likely to miss our connecting flights. It did not alter that reality. What it did was alter our overly negative perception of our reality and dissolved our anger about it. It worked because he acknowledged our predicament. He did not fix it, he simply acknowledged its existence and its importance to each one of us.  We felt/heard empathy and caring.

Why is that so powerful? Especially in our increasingly isolationist society, (we talk to each other on cell phones, when not listening to iPods and texting each other)? We responded to another human’s understanding of, and compassion for, our dilemmas andpredicaments. We respond to this acknowledgment. We become open minded to possiblesolutions when we feel someone “understands”, “hears” and/or “cares”. The acknowledging party doesn't need to have the “solutions”, or even the power to give them, s/he simply understands and empathizes with us. We then respond with reason, analysis and acceptance of unalterable facts with a mind set to “move forward” and solve the dilemma, instead of anger, frustration and arguments.

I am sure that many of you have had experiences where you were extremely angry, probably justifiably angry, about a situation and were ready to “confront” a spokesperson of the entity you saw as the cause of your righteous indignation and then had your prepared “arguments” or attitudes disappeared in the face of a very heartfelt and sincere “I am so sorry to hear that” or “I wish I could help you. Let’s see if I can.” Even though at the end of that conversation your problem might not have been solved because the person had no power to solve it, you probably felt less angry and stressed then you did at the start of that communication.

The power of this for problem solving in mediation is obvious.  By simply acknowledging the difficulties or emotions of the parties and attorneys, we allow them to “breathe” a sigh of relief, unclench their minds and open them up for greater resolution possibilities. To be clear: Acknowledgment is not ratification or agreement. It is simply an expression of understanding of another's predicament without passing judgment as to the cause (i.e. its your own fault) or validity (you have no predicament!) Therefore, acknowledgment can be given totally neutrally, without any kinds of concessions or admissions. Simply and sincerely saying "that must be very difficult for you" or "I can onlyimagine what you are going through", in no way takes sides and may indeed applyuniversally to all those in the room.   Simple acknowledgment opens minds to new perspectives, visions and possibilities. Try it, you'll like the result!