Whether you call it spousal support, alimony, or spousal maintenance—the topic is often one of the most contentious subjects in a divorce, second only to child custody arrangements.  Because of this, many people assume that spousal support can only be dealt with in litigation, and that only the toughest lawyers can help you get it or avoid it.

In this assumption, alimony mediation is a grossly underestimated process in that it is highly successful in helping divorcees to reach a satisfactory and fair agreement concerning spousal alimony.  A common misconception is that alimony mediation is too simple for such a complex process—the truth of the matter is, mediation is a perfectly suitable venue to deal with complex issues.  This is so because alimony mediation encourages communication between the parties, and although such communication is complicated, it is absolutely vital to a continued relationship and respectful closure.

Mediation vs. litigation for spousal support

In litigation, the burden of proof for information relating to spousal support rests in the hands of the lawyers, and often, this burden of proof must be gathered and presented hastily.  Also, because of its adversarial construct, litigation does not allow the parties involved to mutually explore the expenses that will arise post-divorce; rather, these numbers are randomly generated by attorneys following (often out-of-date) state regulations.

The result is that spousal support becomes a simple bargaining process—one that fails to fairly and honestly consider the financial considerations that will be encountered by both parties.  Both parties are left with an arbitrary number and are not aware if this number will work in reality, after the divorce is finalized.  However, with alimony mediation, these topics are explored in depth in a conversation that is led by a mediator who carefully considers the needs of both individuals, both now and in the future.  There are no arbitrary numbers thrown out by lawyers.  This deliberation and communication process is absolutely vital to an effective and satisfactory arrangement.

Simply put—mediation keeps the discussion relating to spousal support real.

Equitable asset distribution in a divorce doesn’t have to be a battle of wills.  In fact, in asset distribution mediation, it’s possible for divorcing couples to equitably divide the marital property and savings in a way that keeps resentment and tension related to a divorce to a minimum.  For many wise and thrifty couples, it’s the only way to handle things.  The best part is that it saves time and money in the process of finalizing a divorce.

Many of the questions and concerns about property and divorce—particularly, who gets what and why—are due to inexperience with the situation and a lack of knowledge of the way things are handled traditionally in the justice system.  Beyond this, couples who are aware of situations that arose when their friends or family members divorced know first-hand how easily the situation can degrade and lead to a total loss of family savings and dignity.

This knowledge has prompted the need for a cost-effective divorce mediation process to divide property and savings while reaching an equitable and dignified divorce settlement.  When a couple chooses to litigate a divorce, the fate of all of the assets and property they have worked so hard to purchase will be in the hands of a judge who does not know the whole story and cannot make a fair decision due to that lack of knowledge.  Put simply: When a stranger decides your future and the future of your divorcing spouse, there is much uncertainty involved.  Why would anyone invite that kind of uncertainty?

In equitable distribution mediation, you and your spouse are the only ones who can determine the way you want your assets divided.  Since you earned the money together, and built the life you had together, it only makes sense that the power of this decision be placed in your own hands.  A skilled mediator can assist with facilitating the discussion and paperwork, but ultimately, it is your life—and your choice.

As difficult as a divorce decree might be to achieve, it can end up being even more difficult to enforce. Whether it’s neglect in paying off debts or a failure to divide a retirement plan, agreements reached in the heat of a divorce settlement are often ignored (whether intentionally or unintentionally) after the dust of the battle finally clears. The result is a decision that isn’t an easy one to make, particularly if a couple is co-parenting children and wants to keep their relationship as amiable as possible for that reason.

That decision is to either request that the court hold the ex-spouse in contempt or find another way to deal with the negligence, such as mediation to enforce the divorce decree. Obviously, many people find the latter route more appealing, especially if it includes maintaining a relationship with each other that has some semblance of respect.

When initiating mediation under such circumstances, it’s important for the negligent spouse to realize that he or she could be held in contempt. With this realization, along with the details of what such a judgment could mean, the negligent spouse will be much more willing to approach the mediation procedure without hostility. Learning that contempt of court is a criminal proceeding can be just the incentive needed to get the ball rolling in a successful mediation process.

There are instances, however, when (for whatever reason) one spouse might be willing to accept the criminal consequences of failing to follow a divorce decree. In such circumstances, mediation is likely to be a more difficult task, since hostility is already present to a large degree. In situations like these, it might befit the progression of the talks to explain that the court can also seize property to satisfy the decree. When this happens, the courts can appoint a receiver to seize the property, sell it, and use the proceeds of that sale to pay the ex-spouse what is decreed.

Put simply, mediation to enforce a divorce decree that has been neglected can be an easy process or a complicated process, depending on how well the clients understand what is at stake if they fail to resolve the matter in mediation. Usually, if the mediator makes a point to show the reality of the situation as seen through the eyes of a court of law, tensions will turn into cooperation quickly. This dialogue should be the primary and initial goal of the mediation proceeding—the result of the mediation will more often than not depend on how well this first goal is accomplished.

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Prenuptial agreements can be as problematic as they are helpful, which is why approaching them in the right way through prenuptial mediation can help save a marrying couple a lot of stress and potential resentment.  There are many cases when prenuptial agreements are wise—and even necessary—particularly if it is a second or third marriage for one or both spouses and there are children from the earlier marriage.  However, in many cases, prenuptials are either unnecessary or overdrawn, creating nothing more than tension in a marriage when they were intended to create peace.

The main problems associated with entering into a prenuptial agreement occur when the couple hires lawyers to draft the agreement.  The very act of hiring two different lawyers creates an adversarial scenario, whether you want it to or not.  This act of “lawyering up” can cause tension within the relationship before the marriage even begins, especially if one party has more money than the other and his/her lawyer drafts a prenup that insists the more moneyed spouse remains in control of his/her money.  This is a slippery slope that even the tightest knit of couples should avoid.

The solution to these common problems lies in prenuptial mediation, in which a third-party mediator sits down with both soon-to-be spouses and discusses the best way for them to control their financial future as individuals and as a couple. The mediator is there to work with both individuals so no “sides” are taken.

There is no “lawyering up,” even though the mediator might be a lawyer or is certainly an expert in matters of family law and litigation.  Instead, the emphasis is placed on terms things communication, collaboration, mutual understanding and respect—concepts that are necessary for a good marriage and will in no way destroy the bond that the couple already shares.  If anything, mediation will strengthen this bond.

With the divorce rates topping just over 50%, collaborative law is becoming more and more popular. As we all know, divorce mediation is very helpful in getting two opposing parties to critically think and problem solve their issues. Mediation is a great alternative to showing up in court and fighting it out.

As mediators, we have the difficult task of getting two people with different outlooks to agree on issues. As if that’s not hard enough, throw in some negative emotions into the mix, and you have the majority of divorces we’re expected to mediate. Here are a few mediation tips that might help you out the next time you run into a difficult case.

Establish rapport
The most crucial element of being a mediator is to be trustworthy. It’s very important that from the beginning you are able to gain the trust and confidence of both parties. Make sure that you appear professional, and are prepared to deal with what’s being thrown your way.

Empathize
Most people will not settle or make a deal unless they feel as if their entire side has been heard. Although it is nor your place to sympathize with them, it’s very important that you take the time to hear out what each party has to say. Each person needs to be able to voice their concerns otherwise they will not feel as if they are getting the fair end.

Guide Don’t Lead
Depending on the emotional stability of the differing parties, the best solutions are reached by those parties themselves. Your job is to guide them to a solution that will make both parties happy. It’s best to allow for the parties to feel as if they have reached the solutions on their own. This will prevent them feeling like they were coerced into something that they do not want. If both of the parties feel as if they mutually came to the understanding the odds of them committing to the agreement are much higher.

We know that mediating between two hostile parties is never an easy feat. The key is to stay calm, and to not let your emotions get involved in your decision making process. It’s important to show certain amounts of empathy, and to establish a good amount of rapport prior to the mediation session. Preparing yourself beforehand will ensure that you will have a productive session where both parties leaving feeling they have gotten the results they are entitled to.